Warning: More Junk-Mail Hi-jinks

By Bob Simmons

They’re at it again, the sales department hot-shots who dream up ways to scare you into responding to junk mail. It must work, because they keep doing it. But it makes me want to round up a bunch of white haired geezers like me and organize a boycott of the companies that seem to think it’s cute.

I get this letter with a huge black and white label that says “OFFICIAL HEARING NOTICE.”

Whoa. Official Hearing! Am I supposed to show up at an official hearing?

There are other messages stamped on the envelope, clearly designed to give it Official Force:

— One directs the Postmaster to handle this mail in conformance with MAIL SECURITY regulations. (Why would he do otherwise?)

— Another announces:

EXPRESS MAIL
DATED MATERIAL
IMMEDIATE RESPONSE
AUDITED DELIVERY

In other words, “Look fella, we know you got this letter, and we know when you got it. If we don’t hear from you we’re coming to getcha.”

Gotcha. You know very well you’re not gonna toss this where the junk mail belongs.

Because, what if the OFFICIAL HEARING has something to do with the speeding ticket you got last summer, that you thought you’d settled, but good grief, maybe you forgot?

Or the parking ticket that you feel quite certain you paid. Or maybe almost, not quite certain you paid.

The whole thing’s a scheme to scare us oldies into opening the envelope and being grateful to find that the content is not serious — so grateful that we might even make an appointment with a salesperson, which, of course is the point of the letter.

I carried the letter to the return address (there was no company name, just “Dated Mail” with a street address), a rundown office in a nondescript section of downtown Bellingham, WA, where I live. I was hoping to find some snarling, overweight shyster with a day’s growth of beard.

Instead, an attractive, soft-spoken young lady who identified herself as A.J., said, “Yes, isn’t it awful? We’re very embarrassed. We farmed this out to a direct mail company and had no idea they would do anything this. We just wanted people to know we’re offering a free exam.”

Yep. The “OFFICIAL HEARING NOTICE” (wait for it…) is a sales pitch from a company called All American Hearing. “Official Hearing Notice,” get it? They wanta sell me a hearing aid.

Not even in another life.

—Bob Simmons, journalist, checks every piece of mail
he gets in Bellingham, Washington